CELL-IBATE

"Pick your battles," they say. With so many to choose from these days, that's not always an easy task. Yet, pick we must. And so, I have selected as my battle the infamous cell phone. But, let's not call it a battle, let's call it a protest. A silent protest.

Just about everyone tells me I should have one--it would make light of my work, it would provide security if I were stranded, it would even save me money! Despite all of the benefits of the little technological wonder, I resist.

Recently, however, I have started to reconsider my private attempt at anarchy. Apparently, in my effort to secure some time "off the grid" (read: in my car with the radio cranked singing really, really loudly), I am missing out on a whole subculture of acceptable behaviors.

For example, people with cell phones have an easy excuse when they, say, run over someone's mailbox at 2 a.m. "But, Officer, I was just reaching for my cell phone."

People with cell phones can get out of boring meetings by looking at their little gizmo and apologetically leaving the room with an important, "Oh, I must take this call."

People with cell phones don't have to worry about things like appropriate places for discussions-they can talk about anything they want, any where. Like the woman I overheard recently discussing her friend's case of clamydia in the line at the post office.

It's sort of like the family drunk who just gets silly at parties. He's allowed to make obnoxious gestures, spill his drink, grope the hostess and everyone laughs, "there he goes again." It's all acceptable, because, well, that's just how he is, you know.

Recently, at a conference, while the guest speaker was giving his keynote address, someone's cell phone went off (a spiffy rendition of a Mozart symphony). The owner stood up, smiled sheepishly and left the room to take the call. Everyone in the room--including the guest speaker--gave that "there he goes again" look. It was acceptable, because, well, that's just how he is, you know.

The problem here is that I don't own a cell phone, so I am stuck with the old, more rigid, socially acceptable behaviors. I have to keep both of my hands on the wheel when I drive. My only excuse to leave a meeting is to use the ladies room. And, if I need to speak with someone about the rash on my back, I have to wait until I get to a land line.

But, I've been thinking...maybe I can make up my own rules. Maybe I can have conversations with myself in the grocery store.

"Hey, should we have that for dinner?"

"No, I don't think we're hungry for that tonight."

"How about that?"

"Looks good. Don't forget to get toilet paper."


Maybe I can just forward my phone calls to my next committee meeting.

"Jen, you have a call on line one. It's your vet."

""Oh, excuse me, I must take this call."

"And your mom is on line two."

And maybe at the next important business function, I should stand up and sing a little ditty--even if I do interrupt someone, I'm sure they won't mind too much...

"Met her on a Monday and my heart stood still. Da doo run run run. Da doo run run."

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